Crack is Where It's At
by Astrid-Myrna
Summary: This is where all my lovely One Piece crack goes. Rated M because I have a very nasty sense of humor.


AN: Inspired by Amethyst Turtle's short fic, "If Luffy Was Romantic." Rated M for perviness.

***

Waste Not, Want Not

Luffy didn't know why he did it—why he had confessed to Nami that night. Perhaps it was the grog, perhaps it was the meat, or perhaps it was watching Nami drinking grog and eating meat. But in the end, it didn't matter why Luffy let her know just how happy and whole she made him feel. All that mattered was that he said those six little words, "Here, have some of my meat."

The look she gave him—at first he thought she was going to hit him. Instead, she grabbed him by the wrist and pulled him into her and Robin's bedroom. She let go, not looking at him.

"N-Nami?" he uttered, looking at every nook and cranny to see if she had hidden a weapon to beat him with.

She turned towards Luffy, but to his surprise, she was smiling! Still, he was suspicious.

"Are you mad at me Nami?"

She giggled, "Oh no, no, no. You just made me really happy is all."

"Oh," he answered and sighed, "Then why did you bring me in here?"

About fifteen minutes later, he found himself sitting naked on Nami's bed, with Nami wrapped in her sheets. Sadly, Nami wasn't smiling anymore.

"So, you literally meant that you were just going to give me your food?"

Luffy picked his nose, "Well, yeah. I don't know how you got my kintama confused with meat."

She put her red-hot face in her hands, "This is so embarrassing. I'm so, so sorry."

Luffy shivered. He couldn't remember the last time she ever apologized to her.

Nami made a loud sniff.

"Oi, are you all right?"

"I'm just..." Nami sniffed harder, "It's nothing, don't worry about it."

He leaned closer to her, "Are you crying?"

"No!"

"But it sounds like—"

"I'M NOT CRYING!" she roared behind her hands, then whined, "Just-just go away."

Luffy leaned back, crossed his arms, and closed his eyes to think, which was quite a task considering how loud Nami's sniffles were. At last an idea popped into his head!

"I know! Let's just do what you were planning for us to do!"

A pause. Nami's eyes peeked through her fingers and glared at the grinning Luffy.

"I don't want you to force yourself to do something you don't want to do."

"But didn't you say that it was a fun thing to do?"

"Well, it is—"

"Then if it's fun, why wouldn't I wanna to do it?"

Nami wiped one of her eyes, "I don't think you understand, Luffy. This sort of thing is fun for people who…um…who—"

"Bah! You don't have to love each other to do it!" said Zoro, who sat bow-legged

next to the bed. Luffy and Nami jumped.

"Eh? When did you get here, Zoro?" asked Luffy.

"How long have you been here?!" Nami shrieked as she pulled her bed sheets all the way up to her chin.

"I was here the whole time."

"No you weren't!"

"He came in after me, the perv," Sanji said as he lit a new cigarette.

"Oi, you're one to talk! What are you doing here anyway?" Zoro grunted.

"Why are you _both_ here in the first place?" Nami shouted.

Luffy shrugged, "Maybe they wanted to play too."

Sanji's eyes suddenly burst into hearts, "I'd loooove to play with Nami-_swaaan!_"

"I wanna play too!" announced Usopp, who stood at the foot of the bed. He adjusted his goggles, gasped, and pointed at Luffy's loins, "But Luffy, it doesn't look like you're ready to play yet."

"Eh? What do you mean?"

Nami moaned and hid her face again. Sanji sighed and said, "Long-nose means that your kintama aren't ready to play yet. You got to get them…um…_motivated_. Nami-swan, if I could borrow you for a moment, I can show Luffy how to get his kintama motivated."

"Touch me and you won't have any balls left to play with," she hissed and grabbed one of Zoro's swords. Zoro had fallen asleep during the conversation, so he didn't much care at the moment that she had one of his swords. Luffy sucked in his mouth and cocked his head to the side, not quite sure what to make of things.

"Perhaps if I motivated Luffy's kintama for him? He looks quite confused," said Robin as she stepped towards the group.

"Robin!" Nami gasped, "When did you get here?"

"Just now. I had been listening to your discussion while Franky talked about cola. Now Luffy, if you will stay still for a moment—dos fleurs!"

Two of her hands sprouted from Luffy's legs.

"NOOOOOO!" screamed Luffy as he desperately tried to rip off the extra arms.

"What are you doing, Robin?!" cried Nami.

"Not again," groaned Sanji, who stomped on his old cigarette and lit a new one.

Zoro continued to snore away. Usopp was busy trying to help Luffy destroy the newly-sprouted arms.

"Please don't resist, Luffy. This will take only a minute."

Suddenly, Franky broke through the wall. Though why he didn't use the door, I have no idea. One moment, all Franky could see was Robin and her arms growing out of Luffy's leg. The next, he piled drived Robin as he sobbed, "YOU CHEATED ON ME!"

Luffy, Usopp, and Nami let out a sigh of relief when Robin's arms disappeared. Sanji and Franky engaged in battle as Robin gingerly pushed herself up. Zoro sneezed, then fell back asleep. Chopper hopped through the gaping hole in the wall with a small black book that no one had seen before.

"I know what's wrong with Luffy's kintama!" the reindeer doctor squeaked, "Luffy has ED!"

"ED? What's ED?" asked Zoro groggily.

Brooke opened the bedroom door, "It means that poor Luffy can't have a boner! Luckily, I'm nothing but bones, so Nami can play with me! Yohohohohoho! SKULL JOKE!"

Chopper changed into his man-form, "Heh, Nami, if Luffy doesn't figure out what to do with his kintama, I could always keep you busy…not that I'd want to!"

"Eh?" Luffy muttered.

"Oi, is that one of my swords?" said Zoro, who stood up to grasp the hilt, his fingers covering Nami's. With a sly smile, he said in a low voice, "Hey, you thinking what I'm thinking?"

"EH?" Luffy gasped.

"It wouldn't be a group orgy without Captain Usopp!" Usopp said as he rushed over to Nami and puffed his chest like a proud cock.

"Come play with me, Nami-_swaaaaaan!_"

"What…what's happening?" Luffy squeaked, frightened by the hungry looks in his nakamas' eyes as they all goggled at Nami, except for Franky and Robin, who were huddled up in the corner and made odd sounds. Nami blushed and let her sheets slip. He looked at her, and realized that wasn't seeing anything—just a blank spot where her body should have been.

***

Luffy's eyes popped open. Panting, he slapped a hot hand on his sweaty forehead and stared up at the dark ceiling of the boys' bedroom. After kicking off his bed sheets, he pulled off his pajama top and sighed with relief as the cool air touched his skin. He rubbed his eyes, knocking whatever little sleep there was in them. Sleep. He had been dreaming. A very weird dream he had, too. For some reason he felt different—

He could feel it. With trembling fingers, Luffy pulled up the top of his bottoms to see if it had changed. It was too dark to see, but he knew what had happened.

His kintama were ready to play.

Without a second thought, Luffy jumped out of bed and rushed to the girls' bedroom. He didn't want to waste the one time his kintama wanted to play.

Suffice to say, he didn't.

***

AN: You know what's funny? I actually got a nosebleed writing this! XD Though, I do blame the dry weather we've been having the last couple of days. Well, I hope you enjoyed my first crack. I'm tempted to do a Ro/Bro, but I'm not quite sure what to do with it yet. Any reviews would be lovely.


End file.
